Torn
by Astro Purple
Summary: Continuation of "Loving You." Max considers everything she's learned about Alec and their relationship. The song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia directs the course of this fic, and this is a songfic.


Torn  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
G  
  
Timeline: Set after my fanfic "Loving You."  
  
Summary: Continuation of "Loving You." Max considers everything she's learned about Alec and their relationship. The song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia directs the course of this fic, and this is a songfic.  
  
Author's Note: Sorry to all you M/L fans out there. I just don't think those two are the perfect match. I'm very much a M/A person, also a really huge Jensen Ackles fan.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
* * *  
  
I don't believe it. It seems like just yesterday that he was smiling and laughing. It seems like just yesterday that he was pushing all my buttons, annoying me to the point where I could toss him off the Space Needle and relish in listening to him scream all the way down. It seems like just yesterday that he was alive and breathing.  
  
I sigh, looking out the window at the rain coming down. It's been almost a week, and I still can't get use to it. I'm trying to get on with my life, but everything's different. I keep imagining him showing up to spite me or make some smart alec comment, but I know now that all that was just a façade he hid beneath. He was hiding. Hiding his true feelings from me. Why? I always thought it was because he had no feelings. No feelings for anyone but himself. Now it turns out that I'm wrong. He had feelings, he had feelings for me. I never knew. This world is so messed up. I thought I knew him, but I guess I didn't. Now that he's gone, I'm finding how I really feel about him. Like I said, this world is messed up. Someone has to die before I find out how I really feel about them.  
  
I thought I saw a man brought to life  
  
He was warm  
  
He came around like he was dignified  
  
He showed me what it was to cry  
  
Well you couldn't be that man I adored  
  
You don't seem to know  
  
Seem to care what your heart is for  
  
But I don't know him anymore  
  
There's nothing where he used to lie  
  
My conversation has run dry  
  
That's what's going on  
  
Nothing's fine I'm torn  
  
Now what about Logan? Whenever I look at him now, I feel absolutely nothing. There isn't that fluttering in my heart, no more of that stomach turning sickness whenever he's with another female. I don't know what's going to happen between us. Maybe just good friends. I remember our agreement in the beginning, he helps me find the others, and I help him save the world. It was simple and realistic back then, but we pushed it. We tried to become what we couldn't. We should have known it couldn't have worked out. I'm an X5, Manticore. He's a male member of the human race. If we had become that way, I probably would have killed him. Ever since the beginning, Alec has been pointing out our incompatibilities. I hated him for it then, I think it's because he was trying to get me to see the truth, the truth that I didn't want it to see. When I returned from Manticore, I thought everything would be the same. Then we found out about the virus. I think Logan began to accept afterwards that we weren't meant to be together. Maybe that's why he has Asha hang around so much. Maybe that's why she's on speed dial and I'm not.  
  
Life is a bitch. Just when I'm figuring out who I want to be with for the rest of my life, he's taken from me. I'm only starting to realize what love really is. Is this how the world is? Is everything taken away from a person only when she begins to realize its importance, it's significance? If there ever was a God, is this my punishment for not having your consent when I was created? For not having your consent when I killed? If it isn't, I have no more faith.  
  
I'm all out of faith  
  
This is how I feel  
  
I'm cold and I am shamed  
  
Lying naked on the floor  
  
Illusion never changed  
  
Into something real  
  
I'm wide-awake  
  
And I can see  
  
The perfect sky is torn  
  
You're a little late  
  
I'm already torn  
  
I had to go clean out the apartment Alec was staying in. Take everything that he had, especially the stuff that pointed to Manticore, just in case. I found a notebook. I opened it and read the first page. It was Alec's journal. The window to his private thoughts; thoughts that I never knew and never would have known if he was still alive. It's laying beside me right now, asking me to open it and read it. But I can't, I'm scared. I've been scared before, of what would happen if I were caught, of what would happen if I became the good little soldier again. Never have I been scared of love. This is actually the first time. With Logan it was affection, and everyone else, it was just plain lust.  
  
My curiosity won. I'm on the third page of his journal, and now I'm wondering why I never noticed. Why I never noticed how frequently he looks at me, or how much my put downs hurt him. Alec has always cared, why didn't I ever notice? I should have seen the caring side of him when he was helping me patch up Bullet, when he returned to help the X6 kids break me out. And especially when he allowed Logan to persuade him to go with him down into the mucky sewers and look for me. I should have known then that he cared.  
  
I'm torn between being angry at him, or being grateful for him. I've gotten to the part where he confesses following me. It freaks me out that someone could have followed me so much, and for me not to have noticed. But it also makes me glad that that person was Alec. He wasn't looking to kill me or anything, just to make sure I don't get myself killed. Just thinking of him following and watching me gives me the shivers. But Alec isn't a pervert, he's really more like a guardian angel. I mean, he gave his life to save mine. He and Zack both made the same sacrifice, their lives for mine. Only in Alec's case, he's not coming back. Never again. I won't be able to see his devil-may-care smile, won't be able to listen to him nag, won't be able to touch him or kiss him, or just listen to him tell me he loves me. Listen to me, I'm acting like some hormone driven teenage girl. My excuse is that I've never been in love before. The only one to have ever been in love with me was Zack, my big brother.  
  
Everyone's worried about me, and they have the right. Original Cindy's telling me everything's gonna be all right, and that Alec wasn't that great of a guy anyways. Joshua says that at least I have my memories and my life. Sketchy doesn't know what really happened, but he's trying to be supportive and get me to come out and drink with everyone. But I just want to be alone. It's probably not healthy, but I'm a big girl. I just need time to gather my thoughts. Seeing all of my friends as they talk to me about Alec, I'm wondering how I could have missed so much. I can see it in their eyes, they knew Alec loved me, they knew he cared about me, and they knew the type of sacrifice Alec would give for me. So how is it that I couldn't have picked up on these vibes? If Alec's emotions were so clear, how come I didn't know? How come I couldn't see what was there? If I did, we would be together now, we would be partners in life, set to watch each other grow old.  
  
So I guess the fortune teller's right  
  
Should have seen just what was there  
  
And not some holy light  
  
Which crawled beneath my veins  
  
And now I don't care  
  
I had no luck  
  
I don't miss it all that much  
  
There's just so many things  
  
That I can touch I'm torn  
  
The thing I remember most about Alec is how he use to get underneath my skin. Everything he seemed to do would annoy the heck out of me. Whether he was actively trying or not trying at all. Whenever I complained, everyone would just look at me funny. I was always the one catching hidden meanings behind Alec's words, I was always the one who noticed how often he seemed to run his hands through his hair, how often he would adjust his jacket each time some hot chick's in view. All these little things, I'm the only one who would notice. And that fact just ticked me off. I think I was angrier with myself than I ever was at him. At myself for paying so much attention to him and for feeling a jealous whenever he began to pay more attention to another female other than me.  
  
Two weeks ago, Alec's death wouldn't have meant anything to me. For what I was concerned, he was better off dead. Logan tells me that I don't mean it, but I'm sure I'm right. Two weeks ago he meant nothing to me. I didn't care about what he did with his life, whether White got him or not. And I'm sure, two weeks ago I wouldn't be missing him this much. But with my luck, all it took was one action from Alec, an incredibly stupid action and my entire world is torn apart. I don't know what to believe in anymore. Everything and anything I've ever believed has been somehow taken from my life, torn away by the most violent means.  
  
Oh Alec… please return. I need someone to help me believe, to help me keep my faith. It's a cold world we live in, and I miss the warmth you provided. Your presence just made me feel safe, feel protected. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. With you I could just let loose and not worry about too much because I knew you were there. You were there watching out for me, making sure I was safe. Now when I look back, I think I always knew that you were out there somewhere, shadowing me when I did my Eyes Only missions. I was never as careful as I was before I met you, always in a hurry to get the mission done with. I could never figure out why I was too impatient to double check for security or making sure my job was clean. Back then I thought it was because I couldn't wait to see Logan again, but maybe it was really to get to Crash and hope for a glimpse of you. Hoping that maybe we could exchange a few words, even if it was only argument, and hoping that maybe you would drink with us, with me.  
  
I'm all out of faith  
  
This is how I feel  
  
I'm cold and I am shamed  
  
Lying naked on the floor  
  
Illusion never changed  
  
Into something real  
  
I'm wide-awake  
  
And I can see  
  
The perfect sky is torn  
  
You're a little late  
  
I'm already torn  
  
Torn…  
  
For the past week I've been living in my own world. In a world where I didn't screw up and Alec is still alive. In my world, I figured out who I really love, and that's Alec. I figured it out in time to be able to tell him how much I love him and want to be with him. We are a couple and we're finally getting to live a normal life. We aren't transgenics, we aren't X5s. There is no such thing as Manticore and no one by the name of Agent Ames White to ruin everything. Nothing, which threatens us, exists in my world. We are two humans who meet at work and discover ourselves in love. Each other's partner in life, soulmates. A happy ending to a not so happy reality.  
  
Whenever I come out of my little trance, my daydreaming, I can remember that night. The night that Alec died. Logan paged me, saying that Asha had uncovered something weird going on at this warehouse in sector 5, a pretty bad section of town. So I hauled my butt over there and found out what was going on. White. It shouldn't have surprised me, he'd been keeping such a low profile these past few weeks. I knew the calm couldn't last long. He had five of those 'familiars' with him. I knew then I should have called for backup, I should have called for Alec, but my pride kept me from that payphone. I went in and let the X8 series kids out, I thought that if anything went wrong, their soldier instincts would kick in, but I was wrong on that too. When White realized I was there, he came charging into the warehouse with his 'familiars.' The X8s were only kids, and they panicked and ran before I could try to get order. I was alone after that, alone and scared. Everything went downhill from there. I managed to get outside, but not away. Two familiars had grabbed me. Then White pulled a gun out from somewhere. I thought that was the end, but then Alec showed up. He showed up and ran right between me and White.  
  
I don't know what happened next. All I could see was Alec and the blood, his blood. His blood that was spilt because of me and my stupidity. I can't remember what happened next, I don't remember what I did to White and his familiars. Maybe I knocked them out; maybe I killed all of them. I don't know. All I know was that I had gotten to Alec. I had gotten to his side and heard him profess his love before he died. Him saying those three little words had opened up my eyes to something greater. Maybe not new, because I have a feeling that love between me and Alec has always been there, but something even better than what could have been between me and Logan.  
  
There's nothing where he used to lie  
  
My inspiration has run dry  
  
That's what's going on  
  
Nothing's right I'm torn  
  
I've got to leave now; I've got to leave my Alec. The others need me, and Alec would never want me to sacrifice our friends for him. Like Original Cindy says, "I've got to live again." And I will, but I think it's just too soon. I'm ashamed that Alec is dead while I'm alive. All I've got left of him is his possessions and my memories. From when we just happen to meet because of Manticore, to when Alec was ripped from her life because of Manticore. Ironic how life was. The same force, which pushed us together, had, in the end, pulled us apart.  
  
I'm taking a deep breathe. Original Cindy is dragging me out to Crash tonight. She won't take no for an answer, and I suppose I'm going to have to do this sometime soon. To face everyone who I haven't seen in ages. They won't know what really happened, they won't know how I really feel. But I have to face them and be somewhat normal again.  
  
I'm all out of faith  
  
This is how I feel  
  
I'm cold and I am shamed  
  
Lying naked on the floor  
  
Illusion never changed  
  
Into something real  
  
I'm wide-awake  
  
And I can see  
  
The perfect sky is torn  
  
Tonight was painful. Sketchy, being his usual unaware self, kept bringing up Alec. Alec this, Alec that. I didn't want to hear anymore. Couldn't he see how much I was hurting? Couldn't he see how close to tears I was? I wanted to leave, I wanted to run. But Original Cindy made me sit through it, said that if we were going to pretend Alec had to go see his very sick parents, we had to act like he was still alive. Like one day he was going to be back, waltzing through the door with that cocky devil-may-care grin on his face.  
  
I'm all out of faith  
  
This is how I feel  
  
I'm cold and I'm ashamed  
  
Bound and broken on the floor  
  
You're a little late  
  
I'm already torn  
  
Torn…  
  
I'm at the Space Needle right now. It's here that I feel closest to Alec. No human can climb up here safely, no human has the strength needed to jump 12 feet and lift themselves through the hole to the top. This is our place, a place for transgenics, X5s. It's here that Alec has frequently interrupted my thoughts just by being here, just by walking atop this dome.  
  
* * *  
  
Well, here you have it. Max's POV. Hope it was as good as Alec's, if not better. 


End file.
